Mindless Ramblings

Picture is one I found at www.babycenter.com that is charting my calendar...what my baby "supposedly" looks like today!

So today is another day. Hubby read his letter I left him and I got really GOOD loving this morning. He is incredibly stressed out right along with me and that seems to be the source of my misconceptions on the issues. So I am watching "A Baby Story" on TLC and freaking myself out. Makes me so excited but scared! Have mothers really been having these kinds of anxieties for thousands of years? I just cannot imagine going through a pregnancy around 1800 A.D. Can you imagine? Hell back then a period was a "curse" so what did that make pregnancy? I have to have a C-Section due to past eye disease (cannot "push" because of fear of my retinas rupturing). So that is another anxiety. On the "Baby Story" today was a C-section. The only part that looked scary was the epidural. And the fact that they put a drape in front of your face??? Dont you get to see and have the baby put on you as soon as it is removed? Maybe that was just her....anyone know?

With my anxiety I have already cleaned out all the crap from the bathroom in preparation to move. Later I plan to tackle the dresser drawers and GET RID of a lot of clothes. Clothes I swear Ill wear but never do (and as my belly grows...I might as well just get rid of them now!) I want to move the minimal amount as we are moving a great distance and do not want to pack a bunch of BS that we can replace/dont need/or in my case have been "hoarding" for no reason. If anyone has a couple hours to spare, I could really use some help! Fresh ice tea and cookies here! Anyone wanting to be bribed?

Hormonal?

So all this is new to me. All the feelings and fear. So many doubts and questions inside of myself and I think my poor husband is going through it as well. I have been thinking irrational things that upset me, and this cannot be good for me nor the baby. But I am scared hubby doesnt want the baby. He is worrying about financial aspects and the whole deal. See he went through HELL in his former marriage with his ex wife and his children. It ended horribly and the children were turned against him. His past seems to haunt him..and it does me too. It scares the shit out of me for the both of us. So tonight I have sat down and wrote him a letter. He works second shift so I am long asleep when he gets home. Here goes:
My love,
So what's up? I am guessing a lot of this is hormonal, but I know that the child inside of me is yours. I know it has the most wonderful parents in the world. Yes, it is very scary even though you have "been there and done that" it scares you as much as it scares me. I hate myself for thinking about bad things happening to this pregnancy. I pray the life inside of me cannot sense these thoughts and negative energies. But you know I would do anything for you. I am just scared, not scared about the DNA test, we can have 100 DNA tests done if you want. This baby is yours. We made it together with love and passion. I want you to be the father that you never had the full opportunity to be. I told you 8 years ago when I met you that I believed in you and that as long as we stick by each other we can accomplish anything. We are both strong individuals who have so much wisdom from our life experiences and that is why I am pregnant, because we as parents may not be rich financially, but we are rich in knowledge. Our child will be so lucky to have us as parents!
OK...that is as far as I have gotten. Let me explain. Hubby was married before as I had mentioned. After raising a baby for 2 years and the marriage beginning to fall apart, the child wound up not being his. It hurt and damage him as a father and as a man. I cannot blame him at all, I cannot imagine what that could be like!So that is the truth behind the DNA test thing. I admit, sure I should refuse, but I love him and sometimes we have to support the ones we love so fully even with their insecurities. Why the hell am I so scared? I guess because this is new to me and I feel like he shouldnt be scared?! Are we both going through the same thing? He can be a very "hard" man....and sometimes that leads me to doubting myself. Am I delusional? Advice? Please lets try not to be negative.

First Post...

Well, I am starting small but thanks to my heroes (Beth, Chris, and Kate) of the blog-world I must start writing as well as reading! I am quite excited about this blog but am not sure where to start! I think Ill just start with:

• I am pregnant (after trying for a year) and freaking the f*c* out.
• We are moving 700 miles south and freaking the f*c* out.

I dont know what this blog will turn into....prolly a pregnancy journal/ranting/hormonal mess of words. But we shall see!